It was the darkest time in my life. I hope nothing ever gets that bad ever again! Three years ago, I was crying every day, stressed out, couldn’t eat, hair falling out. I wasn’t me!! I didn’t want to look in the mirror, I didn’t want to go outside. I hated picking up my phone. I was living in real life FEAR!!
When we are betrayed by a friend or someone close to us, the first thing we usually ask ourselves is “What did I do to this person for them to hate me so much?”. Nine times out of ten we put the blame on others. If we don’t put the blame on them it would essentially mean that whatever happened to cause the betrayal was our fault. Oh no! That can’t be right! We find ourselves digging deep within, telling ourselves “Well, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t provoke this negativity in my life. So there’s no way this is my fault!”
I need you all to dig deep with me here. Think about a time in your life where you felt like the whole world was against you. Now, imagine yourself in a dark room, unable to find the light switch. You’re afraid to move because of the hidden dangers in the room that you can’t see. Moving left may cause you to be pierced by a sharp object. Move right, and you run the risk of colliding with a heavy piece of furniture. You can jump up, but how can you be sure you’ll land? Yes, you can kneel to feel the ground as you move about, but, what’s that sinking feeling all of a sudden?? This was my life! I didn’t know whether I was going or coming. I had no sense of self. One thing that was constant was a growing sense of fear. I was not happy. I faked it for the outside world but on the inside, I was slowly and surely dying.
Three years ago, this was my emotional state. I cried and yelled and cried some more. It took me back to a time nine years prior where I was lying on my bathroom floor, blood pooling beneath me as I miscarried not one baby, but three. Losing one baby was hard, but losing all three?! This had to be punishment for my past mistakes. Was this God punishing me for all the wrong choices I made? I felt so defeated, and two months after that event, I was still defeated. After witness me nope around the house for two months, my older sister put a mirror to my face. She looked at me and said “you play the victim a lot Jai. You’ve gotten so good at deflecting blame, you don’t even realize you put yourself here.” She was right! I was tired of living this way. Being sad all the time, not enjoying my life.
So fast forward to 2017. I’m telling myself “Jai, you made it through that, so you can surely make it through this!” But could I really?! I was in my third trimester, about to give birth. I knew I was having a child and I was going to do it alone. I had to buckle down and shake off this feeling of defeat. But it was hard. I used to think my family hated me; I used to believe they thought of me as a failure, a disgrace, the person who brought shame to the family name. Little did I know or understand, I was projecting my own feelings onto them. Remember earlier I stated, it’s easier to place the blame on everyone else rather than on yourself.
The words “you’re playing victim” has stuck with me through a lot. And they were definitely present during my pregnancy. I was so mad at my child’s father for not sticking around for his child. I was so mad at my girlfriends. I considered them like my sisters and they turned their backs on me. I was so mad that my family gave me a scolding when I told them I was pregnant. I was so mad that the world was being so cold and harsh towards me. I was mad at everyone but myself. I didn’t see that it was my actions that led me to getting pregnant. I didn’t see that I was intimate with a man whom I wasn’t married to, and didn’t care to be with me or marry me. I didn’t see that my family was caught off guard when I told them about my pregnancy because I was the one who hid my situationship from them. I didn’t see that I let too many people know the many intimate details about my life.
It was me...I was to blame..I got myself here!! So how in the world was I going to get myself out of the hell I created?
I found myself reading my Bible more. I began to pray. Really pray. I found myself memorizing scriptures. I was on a mission to get out from this hole I dug myself into...and I knew it would take everything I had in me.
I now look back at that pregnancy journey as another test that I was put through to showcase my strength, to prove to myself that I can be better than my situation.
I used to say all the time, “God I know you give your toughest battles to your strongest warriors, but don’t you think I’ve fought enough?”
I didn’t realize that my experiences in going through many dark times alone would serve to strengthen me for what would become my new reality. I would have to care for my child alone. It would be me, and no one else, putting him to bed at night and waking up to his cries. I would have to make tough decisions concerning him on my own.
I had to go through some of my struggles alone to know what being by myself looked like and felt like. I had to know what I would have to give and what it would take for me to be a strong independent woman.
Your situation may not be like mine, but one thing I know is that everyone-men and women alike- we all go through hard times where we feel we are alone, fighting in the dark. These feelings of being overwhelmed, unappreciated, confused, tired, and scared sweep over us like constant waves. So, who can really blame us if we get tired of fighting and just allow ourselves to get engulfed by these waves.
That stops today!! We have to face our problems and our trials head on. We have to look past the moment of fear, the uncomfortable feelings it sparks and look to the bigger picture. We all have been through some things to prepare us for the purpose-filled life that we are called to live. That will only happen, however, when we make that mental and emotional shift from victim to victor. We have to free ourselves of the emotional shackles that we or the world place on us. We have to see ourselves through cleared vision. I know it’s hard but try to see the beauty in every negative situation.
He left you? Smile and say, “Lord, thank you for removing him so that my intended soul mate can find me.” You lost your job? Say, “Lord, thank you for removing me from under the hand of an employer and placing me in the position to now birth my own business” You may have lost a child. It’s tough; I’ve been there. Maybe you can say, “Lord, thank You for making my child an angel to help guide me through this world.” You may have lost your apartment. Lift those hands and say, “thank you Lord for a making a way for me to claim my future home!”
We are all humans, so yes, we go through tough times and experience trauma. However, if you can make it through some of your darkest days, then nothing this world will throw at you can ever destroy you.
These trials have been placed to stir us, and to show us we are getting too comfortable in places that are not intended for us. Instead let’s shift from Victim to Victor and find the positive in each test. Once you make up your mind to say “I will win no matter what,” your circumstances will change and success will follow! We have to know we are more powerful than we think we are. With our words we can change our outlook on things. We must speak life into our minds, our bodies, our homes, our children, our careers, our partners. We have to claim victory over our battles!
We may be stirred but we won’t be shaken!
Jai~