Updated: May 29, 2020
I for one can honestly say I’ve made a few—well, okay, A LOT!—of bad choices in life. I tell myself, “NEVER AGAIN!” But, I’ve only found myself in the same situations over and over again.
I tend to get mad,annoyed, and frustrated with myself because I know I can do better; and know i deserve better, but I continue to allow myself to settle for less than what I deserve.
We as women do that a lot! We know we deserve steak and potatoes but we settle for chicken nuggets and French fries. And to make matters worse the French fries are soggy as hell!
I have brought this up to God many times and I’ve prayed about it but maybe I wasn’t sincere in my prayers because I still am allowing the same types of behaviors in my life at 35 years old that I said I wouldn’t allow when I was 21.
I've said this before: this blog is to help me be as transparent as I can be. So, this is me in all my flaws and insecurities saying out loud to my sisters: I always seem to go for the men who have commitment issues. Is it something in me that keeps attracting these losers, or am I just so quick to let the first person who says they like me get comfortable into my world?
For so long I stayed in situation-ships thinking that my personality, my love, or my patience will show these men that I am here for the long haul. I thought I was showing them I could be their rider. What I was doing was showing them that they can walk all over me.
It’s always the same pattern: he reaches out to me, we talk and text for a little bit, and then we start hanging out frequently. My favorite was the “let’s grab dinner and drinks.” Your girl loves her drinks as well as some good food. So here I was week after week, drinking, eating, and enjoying his company. In my mind we are building something solid: a dope ass friendship and a strong foundation for “us.” In reality, that’s all it was. Two people who have a great time laughing, socializing, and having sex.
Oh, yes. Sex was definitely a recurring theme in my situation-ships. For me, the sex we had solidified our “relationship.” It meant we were together. I mean, how could it mean something else? Well, “something else” it was. They were just having a good time with me while I was here thinking I’m building with them. It seems to happen to me every time.
Let’s be real: as women we all want to feel wanted, desired, and craved by our partners, so sex is a natural thing to happen. Sex is said to bring two people together which, it does. But, the only thing is after the sex the two people go on about their lives as separate individuals.
I won’t say I was taken advantage of but I will be honest and admit I didn’t speak up for myself or pull back when my needs weren’t being met.
I find myself at 35 now coming out of a situation where I told myself from the beginning that there would never be one. I talked to this new friend of mine about my wants and needs. We also discussed my non- negotiables...only to negotiate all of my values and morals! Funny thing is, I’ve seen signs and felt in my gut I should just run and not look back; but, the “understanding” part of me always looks back. I kept making excuses not just for him, but for me too. I guess I didn’t want to be “lonely” or have to start fresh again so I just continued knowing it wasn’t leading anywhere.
I once heard a sermon in which the speaker said that the most dangerous mistake a woman can make is falling in love with the potential of a man and not recognizing the man that is present in her face. Wow!
Ladies, we have to do better. Some men, in their interactions with us, show us very early exactly who they are. They don’t necessarily need to TELL us that they don’t want to be held down by titles. They just simply brush off our insistence about the nature of the relationship by encouraging us to just “have a good time.” How is it that we can allow having a good time to mean building a foundation? How is it that we can accept a man’s “potential” without witnessing the appropriate actions on his part? Yes, he might be the “perfect” man, but if he’s not making any efforts to show us he’s invested in our present AND future, we have to be okay with letting him be the perfect man for someone else.
I have decided to just let go. I have decided to stop answering text messages and allowing the empty promises and apologies to mask the reality that this person just isn't in to me. In the end I’m weighing myself down with all these hypothetical situation ships. I need to be weightless so that when my future husband is ready to sweep me off my feet, it won’t feel like he’s grabbing a ton of bricks with him.
I know it may be hard ladies, but we do have to hold ourselves accountable. Others will only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. We are Queens, and if any man removes our crowns, it better be only to polish them! Nothing less is acceptable. We deserve to be courted, wined, dined, appreciated, honored, valued, and respected.
If he won’t commit then you’ll just have to quit and don’t be afraid to shout NEXT!!!